


no shame

by wildflower (bangtrashsyd)



Series: broduce 101 [11]
Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-28 21:34:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12616032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bangtrashsyd/pseuds/wildflower
Summary: Jihoon watches Jonghyun on TV and remembers the Produce 101 days.follow up tothat letter chapter 10





	no shame

**Author's Note:**

> the character study i promised since 'to survive', combined with the requested prompt for wanna one watching night goblin & NU'EST W's first win

**_oct 15 - ep 11 night goblin_ **

**_oct 19 - nu'est first win_ **

"We should watch something." Woojin leans his head on his shoulder, and Jihoon shuffles slightly. 

"We have a great TV and we never use it." Daehwi complains from his other shoulder, and he groans under the combined weight.

"Hey Minhyun, what time is the show Jonghyun's on?" Jisung calls, and the man looks up from the book he's reading, prescription glasses perched precariously on his nose.

"6.30pm. It started already." He says dazedly, eyes half glazed over from the intensity he's been fixating the book with. "Do we have time to watch?"

"I think we do, we have no schedules for tonight." Jisung nudges Guanlin to grab the remote, and the younger leans forward to swipe it off the coffee table. Jihoon shifts again uncomfortably. He hasn't spoken to Jonghyun in  _forever._

Guanlin flicks to the channel, and they relax back as the programme returns from the commercial break. The first thing they see is Jonghyun in a mustard yellow cap with something that looks like a mound of gold streamers in his hand.

Jihoon tilts his head at the screen. Jonghyun looks... younger. Less stressed. He misses a little bit of the dialogue, and then the programme cuts to a montage of him falling down. 

Woojin lets out a snort as Jonghyun stumbles over the chair twice, and Daehwi hides his face in his hands when he stumbles over his own feet trying to serve for a badminton match. 

Jihoon glances over to Minhyun, not surprised to see a look of fondness he's throwing at the screen.

On the TV, Jonghyun picks up the gold thing and starts to kick it, and Jihoon for some reason holds his breath. Jonghyun can do everything, right?

He can't kick a shuttlecock, evidently. He kicks it six times before missing, and Jihoon's eyebrows rise to his fringe as he sees Lee Soogeun wrap his friend in a hug and pat his head.

"I don't remember him being like that." Guanlin says in confusion, and Minhyun chuckles.

"You just weren't looking." He says softly. "Jonghyun's always been clumsy."

"His dance is so sharp I'm surprised he has two left feet." Woojin mutters, and Daehwi coos at the screen as Jonghyun huffs out a laugh.

"He looks so small and cute like that." Their youngest comments, and Jihoon swallows.

To him, Jonghyun's presence had always been large. Other people saw him as unassuming and small, but in Jihoon's eyes, Jonghyun has always been charismatic and kind. 

* * *

 

"Hey, nice to meet you." Jihoon glances up sharply. There's someone standing over him in a black face mask and cap, and he moves over to let him sit down. His eyes drift to the person's name tag.

_Oh._

Jonghyun removes the cap and mask, sitting down next to him.

"Jihoon, Jonghyun, you'll be doing the Mystery Box Challenge together." The staff call, and his cheeks heat up.

"Nice to meet you, Jonghyun-sun-"

"Please don't." Jonghyun smiles tightly, eyes pained. "Just hyung will do."

He blinks nervously at him, tucking his limbs close to his body and staring down at his lap.

"Hey." Jonghyun says again, and his head snaps up. "Relax. It'll be fine."

The reassuring smile that spreads across Jonghyun's face warms his chest, and he feels the corners of his lips tilt up in response. 

"Jihoon, right? That's a pretty name. You dance really well, kid." Jonghyun continues, reaching out to ruffle his hair. "Don't worry about it, just follow my lead, alright?"

Jihoon stares back at him, lips pursed, and the older nods at him, standing up as the staff call them in. There's something in him that tells him he can _trust_ this man, can trust that he will understand and accept him for who be is.

"Jonghyun-hyung." He tries, and the other turns to look at him again.

"Let's go." 

 

"We haven't talked in a while." Jonghyun's voice startles him, and he whips around in his seat, nearly knocking over the mug of coffee on the table. "Shit, sorry."

"It's okay." He laughs. Jonghyun's steps are light as they cross the landing. He settles down in the seat opposite him. "Want a sweet?"

"Yes, thank you." He takes the offered blue gummy bear. "These are my favourite."

"I know." He grins, and Jonghyun studies him with those sharp eyes again.

"You did well today." Jonghyun bites into his gummy bear, rolling it around his mouth. 

"You too." Jihoon deflects instinctively, and he sees the way the older tilts down his chin immediately. "Thank you."

Jonghyun smiles then, proud of the improvement. Jihoon hates himself for the pleased rush to his head. For some reason, he can have the nation love him but It's  _Jonghyun_ he still wants to please.

"You did well too, hyung." He reaches out, and Jonghyun opens his palm to latch onto his fingers. 

"I did my best." Jonghyun muses. "I heard from Woojin that you have an exam tomorrow."

Right, Woojin's been sent to the hospital. Daehwi stumbled into the dorms about half an hour ago and went straight to bed. 

"How is he?" He asks in concern. Woojin's been a good friend to him, despite the both of them being in different classes. That was the thing about being in such a tight knit community, you tended to get to know everyone after a while. It was no surprise that he was even friends with  _Jaehwan_ now. 

"He's resting, last I heard from Daehwi." Jonghyun holds on tight, and Jihoon hands him another blue gummy bear. "He'll be fine. How are you holding up?"

"Got a math test tomorrow." He holds up the offending work book, and Jonghyun takes a long look at it.

"I'm good at math, I think." He mumbles, uncertain. Jihoon tries not to laugh again, eyes slipping closed against his will. "Hey. I think you should get some rest."

"I'll be fine, hyung." He deflects again, and Jonghyun pinches the thin skin on the back of his palm as a reminder. "Ow!"

"If you're not fine, admit it." Jonghyun tilts his chin up to stare into his eyes. "There's no shame in being weak."

"You're the one to talk." The barb falls from his mouth, unbidden, and he jerks his hands back to cover his face. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that."

Jonghyun catches hold of his fingers again, bringing his hands away as his face burns with humiliation and shame.

"Maybe," He whispers. "I just want you not to end up like me."

 

"What if I don't do well?" He has his head in his hands, trying to hold his brain together before he explodes. He  _hates_ this part of himself, the anxious, bumbling fool entirely too eager to please.

"Jihoon, it's going to be okay." Seongwoo tries to pat him, and he flinches from the touch. Touch and words aren't what he needs. He needs reassurance, a kind word, praise, anything-

"Hyung, it's Jihoon, he won't stop crying." He hears Daniel call for someone, and his head buries deeper into his lap. He's been crying for too long, taking advantage of the lack of cameramen in the practicing studios to let his stress out. Except, he hasn't stopped crying since he stepped foot into here thirty minutes ago.

"Jihoon, honey." Jonghyun's voice sounds close, and his breathing speeds up. "Breathe."

There are no words of  _Are you okay?_ and  _Do you need anything?_ It's just Jonghyun tugging him into his lap even though they're the same size. Jonghyun wraps his arms around him and help to hold him together, and he shakes in his arms.

"You're going to do so well." Jonghyun murmurs into his shoulder with conviction, and Jihoon remains soundless, tears slipping down his face. "Jihoon. You are going to be great."

He starts to relax a little bit, Jonghyun's hand on his head and just... patting it. Smoothing down the locks of brown hair that have been ruffled from the way he's carded his hands through his hair for the past half an hour.

"Jihoon," Jonghyun promises. "You're going to debut." 

Jihoon swallows the tears in his throat, clearing it quietly to make sure his voice is even and strong.

"How are you so sure, hyung?" He questions.

"I gave you something of mine to keep." Jonghyun continues patting him like a child, and his body goes lax. 

"What is it?" He asks, feeling slightly sleepy as the fatigue catches up to him.

"My heart." Jonghyun says with a straight face, and he lets out a watery giggle.

"That's just cheesy, hyung." He complains, and the older rubs his knuckles into his forehead.

"Go to sleep, I'll get Dongho to carry you back." Jonghyun gently thumbs his eyelids closed, and stands up supporting him. "You need to rest before the big day."

 

At this point, Jihoon is already on the verge of unconsciousness. He's lifted up by strong arms, and he holds on tight to Jonghyun's hand. He hears the murmur of words around him, a worried buzz of nineteen other people, and then he's off to sleep with his dream of nothingness, of the void, where nothing can touch him.

Nothing.

* * *

"Today's Number One song, NU'EST W, WHERE YOU AT!" 

Jihoon bolts upright from the couch, just as Guanlin falls over the back of the sofa while trying to do a victory dance.

"They did it." Jisung says proudly, and Jihoon remains fixated on the TV. Jonghyun looks stunned and speechless, looking at the microphone placed in his hand as if it were a foreign object. He touches the hem of his shirt, his habit when he's nervous, and Jihoon smiles.

"I, um-" Jonghyun stutters, and his smile flatlines. He's never seen Jonghyun so lost, his eyes already shining with the beginning of tears. Minhyun is slapping Seongwoo's shoulder in excitement, and Daniel and Jaehwan are recording the moment on their phones. Jihoon looks at the television, sees the way Jonghyun can't put himself together because of how surprised he is.

 _Hyung,_ He thinks wryly.  _There's no shame in being weak._

 

**kim jonghyun [01:11]**

hi hyung, can you ask minhyun to call back?

**wanna one's manager [01:14]**

of course, hold on

**wanna one's manager [03:01]**

it's jihoon

hyung, congratulations

be happy, hyung

& one more thing, we deserve all the love we get, after all 

**Author's Note:**

> please refer to "that letter" for continuity 
> 
> comment below ♡ follow me on twitter @wildflower_kjh for ao3 updates ;-)


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